BST's Blog

Whew. I feel like someone tied me behind a trailer in west Texas and drove all over Anson, Snyder, Hamlin and Sweetwater. It amazes me how emotion can drain me. It's been an emotional rollercoaster over the last few weeks. The trip to Phoenix was really good. I couldn't get my flights to work out with my miles and so I ended up having to use more miles and sit first class (poor me). Actually, poor man sitting next to me. The first leg of my flight I had to wake up this very sound sleeping man next to me so I could go to the restroom. As I crawled over him my booty knocked his drink (entirely full) into his seat. Nice move. When I returned, he was sitting in another first class seat. (Do I know how to get a row to myself or what?)

Hello?? Have you flown first class in a while? These people are holding out on us. I am talking wined and dined, baby. I felt like I was at Thanksgiving dinner. Puh-lease! From the hot towels to the warmed mixed nuts to the appetizer and main course to the wine with dinner--what in the world? Is it my imagination, or does everyone else get those nasty cheese trail mix things in the back of the plane? Unbelievable.

I got there and Aaron took me over to Joe and Mary's. It was amazingly quiet. Everyone had visited all night at the viewing and so they had retired home to get some rest. Russ, Rebecca, Aaron and I took Mary and Laney to this place that was sort of like Denny's. As Russ says--it was a real treat! Actually, Russ treated all of us. And, all kidding aside, it truly was a treat. The treat was to have such concentrated time with all of them outside the crowds and millions of people wanting to be with them. It just seemed so weird to be sitting there without Joe. Weird doesn't even begin to describe it.

Wednesday was a very full day. The funeral was overwhelming to say the least. I sobbed as Laney sang "Poor Wayfaring Stranger"...("I'm going there to meet my father, I'm going there no more to roam"... heartwrenching!). I sobbed as Russ and Justin went up on stage. Justin didn't think he could make it through the reading of a paper he'd written about his dad called "My Hero" so he had asked Russ to read it. Halfway through, Russ had to stop. With tears in his eyes, he looked at Justin and said, "I think I am gonna need some help here". Justin stepped up and finished the beautiful reading. It was truly amazing. The tributes to Joe were so full of life and joy and depth. He loved deeply. He was a true friend. There were those there who had walked with him daily and experienced his friendship in ways I never will know. Dean Selvey is one of those men. I thought about his loss and how his heart is aching. It made me think about the gift of so many friends in my own life. We really do set ourselves up for hurt, ya know? If we are to experience the depths of love and joy and friendship, there's no way around it. We are all terminal. One day I will have to say goodbye to Stephen Bailey and Scott Owings-- to Daren Stanley and Paul Young. What is the alternative?? Do we crawl in an emotional cave and never love deeply or give ourselves fully to our friends because we are afraid of the inevitable? I can say there are times when I have wanted to do this, but amazingly, after this week I only feel fueled to love even more deeply. I see what Joe did for me. I see how he impacted others--the GIFT of relationship! Truly Christ-like. Isn't that what Jesus did for us?

Last night at church (in Phoenix) we did a sort of post-modern night of worship and sharing about how our faith in Christ had been deepened through Joe's life. There were many--MANY--people who shared. Finally, two hours later, the service ended with someone being baptized. Now THAT is an ending. Afterwards, Mary (Joe's lovely wife) shared some things with me that I can't even write. She may never know how much her simple words impacted me. Mary may think that I had some impact on Joe--but, truth be known, he had a greater impact on me. For those who knew him, it's not hard to know that it was that way with most everyone Joe encountered.

Overall, it was a wonderful time of sharing. There were precious memories shared and there was lots of laughter. I feel full--full of emotion, full of thoughts, full of memories--FULL. I found myself thinking almost hourly over the last two days that we could not possibly all be here for this reason. It is so hard to believe our friend, Joe, is gone from this world. I will miss his hugs. I will miss his calming presence. I will miss his trust and honest sharing. I will miss having him ask me questions--LIKE I KNEW ANY ANSWERS! I will miss his passion for Jesus. I will miss hearing his soothing voice. One thing is certain, however, almost all of the things I loved about Joe were because they were a reflection of Jesus and we know that He is the Ancient of Days and walks hand in hand with all of us. What a blessing to have known Joe Smith, but what an even bigger blessing to intimately know the Jesus we both love.

Love you, Joe-