BST's Blog

Last night I got in bed and couldn't go to sleep. I was thinking of our good friend, Joe Smith, who has come to mean a great deal to our family and the other ZOE members. I met Joe several years ago at the conference in Nashville. He was a kindred spirit. Later he was diagnosed with cancer and when we went to Tucson in 2000 we prayed over his family. I remember that night. We sang "A Shield About Me" and "Had It Not Been the Lord". There was such a feeling of family and of healing. Joe became an important part of the ZOE experience for me. Over the last few years it didn't seem like a conference was right unless Joe was there. In Nashville, He and I would steal away and laugh and talk together. We would hide out in the ZOE office to eat or find a place to go and talk. In the tornado-like atmosphere of busyness that weekend, he was usually a respite for me.

A couple of years ago in Malibu, Joe and Mary kidnapped me and we went and had tacos and talked about the challenges of raising kids. Laney was going through some stuff and they were concerned--sick over it. (Laney is now a senior in high school and on fire for the Lord!)

This year in Fresno, I was walking down the hall and saw Joe and immediately started crying. It was ridiculous. I was mad at myself. I just saw that "look" in his eyes that I recognized from my own dad who had cancer. He wasn't looking good. I tried to pull myself together and enjoy being with him. We laughed a lot and Joe even got to be a part of the conference--sharing a testimony about his pocket watch and the gift of more time. Saturday night after the conference was over I told him that I was having difficulty dealing with some anger I was feeling. (I was mainly feeling anger at myself that I didn't have more faith because I could not shake the feeling that this was our last time together.) I told him that I was just mad that he was having to go through this. He just smiled an hugged me.

I didn't have to lead worship that Sunday morning so I got to sit with him and listen to him sing. What a gift that was--worshipping with my brother. After worship he turned to me and said, "I know what you were trying to say last night but couldn't. I know what you're feeling and it's ok. I feel it too and it's ok to be mad." Of course, I lost it and thanked him. Sometimes God gives us understanding that words can't describe. It's a gift. We decided that we could hang out some in the airport after church. We had separate flights but I waited with him after the group had gone to our gate. We talked about the mundane. I promised to call more. We exchanged a look that spoke things we were too afraid to say outloud. I think we both knew.

So--last night I lay there thinking about Joe. I kept saying to myself--GET UP! I wanted to go get the phone and call him. I reached over for my watch to look at the time and saw that it was 11pm our time--that meant 10pm his time. I had called recently around 10pm his time and was afraid I had woken them up. I decided I would call today. This morning I got a call from Aaron (one of our mutual friends in Phoenix). Aaron told me that Joe was not good. It should be only hours at this point. He stopped responding last night around 10pm their time. I couldn't believe it. I keep thinking--if I had called, maybe I could have talked to him.

Why is it that we hang on so tightly to this fleeting life? Just one more exchange. Just one more laugh. Joe is staring VICTORY in the face. Laney, his 18 yr old daughter, is there singing over him--singing the songs of faith that Joe loves. We are left to wait. We wait for Joe to enter his reward. We wait for God's plan in our own lives to continue. We wait in eager hope that one day we will not have to face death like this anymore. We tell ourselves that we are a blade of grass--here today and gone tomorrow. We condition ourselves to open up to love and loss and painful things again. We wait with eager anticipation for the day we will all be reunited with Jesus. Mary, Laney and Justin are waiting. I imagine Laney watching her dad's chest go up and down as I did, wondering how it will feel when he is gone. Mary whispered to Joe this morning that he shouldn't hold on anymore. He's been faithful. He's waited and LIVED. What do we do in waiting?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Don't lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight."

If you're reading this today--Tuesday--please lift up Joe, Mary, Laney and Justin Smith. They are waiting faithfully. They know this isn't the end. But the pain, grief, confusion, and aching are very real. God, please send Your comforter to surround them. Wrap Your arms of love around them. Allow them to feel you there, holding their hands.

We are a moment
You are forever
Lord of the ages,
God before time.
We are vapor,
You are eternal,
Love everlasting
Reigning on high.

We are the broken
You are the healer.
Jesus, Redeemer,
You're mighty to save.
You are the love song
We'll sing forever,
Bowing before You,
Blessing Your name!

Holy, holy, Lord God Almighty!
Worthy is the Lamb who was slain!
Highest praises, honor and glory
Be unto Your name.
Be unto Your name.