Confessions of a minister...
Sometimes I have those days where I ask myself...what am I doing here? Am I making a difference? Has my effectiveness ceased? Whine, whine, whine, etc. Those are all pretty self absorbed questions, but sometimes they're needed.
Today is one of those days. What am I doing? What are we doing? Are we really offering a place for people to come and lay their burdens down, or is it only a masquerade ball? What would we do if Jesus appeared in our midst? What would we do if we felt the sense of urgency about His coming? Would it change us?
I saw a mixture of tears and struggles, joys and hopes, and indifference this morning. I just pray that we all have a place to share those. I doubt it's on a Sunday morning--in this context at least.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
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18 comments:
I hear you, brother. Sometimes I feel very conflicted about the effort I put into Sunday mornings. While it's the result of my giftedness, I can't help feeling like it's just an event for the "faithful," with little results for God's kingdom. Some will be strengthened for the week by this morning, some will feel they've "done their duty," and others will leave not knowing why they came.
What can we do to get out of the way for God to break through when we're assembled? Do we need to lose the formality of the assembly? If so, we'll be ignoring folks for whom that formality has meaning. Do we seek greater meaning in the rituals? If so, we'll be ignoring folks for whom spontanaity and informality has greater meaning. Do we depend on different kinds of assemblies to meet these needs?
And, more importantly, how do we find a place for those to whom the assembly is a waste of time? There are people who find that being Jesus-followers means to "comfort the widows and orphans," and to visit the sick, offer help and healing to the broken and hungry. That's not the kind of church I grew up in, but that's the kind of people I see that Jesus wants us to be.
I think there's some room for "both-and" thinking here, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to discuss it.
God is good. He works through us in our weakness, our strength, our moments of completely missing the point, through our assemblies, through our private moments, and even through our moments of rebellion and selfishness. Go figure.
Keep talking about this, Brandon. We all need to find a more meaningful definition of "worship," both in the context of the assembly and in the context of "going into all the world."
Oh, and in the middle of all of this, can you remember to pray for Brian Sandine? His mother passed away suddenly this week, and he is with his stepfather and siblings in Oregon.
Brandon, I love Sunday mornings because we can touch and say "I love you" and by that simple touch remember that we are here for each other 24/7. The strength we draw from that lets us look beyond our own petty issues and move our radar out far enought to see those who truly are wounded. Then when we leave the building we can make that phone call, go to that person's house, intervene or bring food that makes the difference. I see our corporate worship as a 'touch base' place where we fuel up to 'go out and spread the word.' My church family is my spiritual touchstone, my spiritual gas station. Now it's 2 p.m. Sunday and at the risk of sounding utterly ridiculous I can say "I want to be a worker for the Lord" and go where He sends me.
I draw much strength from your worship talents, Brandon, God is making a difference thru you, dear friend.
Julie
I can't speak for anyone else. But I can say that this morning God used you and Sheryl and the team and the body at large to minister to hurting places in me that even you don't know about.
What you do creates sacred spaces in time. Space to focus on God. Space to reflect on inner needs and longings and hopes and gratitudes. Space to remember that others need the Lord and the abundant life he offers -- this richness, this blessing, this family -- and space for the growth of new, purposeful motivation to spread this hope we share.
No, most are not comfortable sharing their concerns with hundreds of people, many of whom are strangers, though family. I've done it on occasion and it was beneficial for me - this church shored me up. In other times I've shared my troubled times privately to only a few. But without the larger body and what we share each week, I'd never have found most of the safe places that I go with those private struggles.
Don't ever give up. This is what you were born to do. We all doubt ourselves and question our callings. But you can't ignore the mandate of thousands, Brandon. God has put you where you are, and uses you powerfully, even when your eyes can't see it.
Stepping down off my soap-box now.
BST,
You got me all riled up and ready to gripe and then I read these comments. Thanks Tim and Julie and Clarissa for your words and your caring hearts. I know they were for Brandon, but I needed some perspective today too.
Brother Brandon, I'm with Tim. It helps to talk it out and we need to help each other as we struggle to open ourselves up more and allow God to use us to our fullest potential. That's why blogs and Zoe conferences are so important:)
SAB
Don't you imagine that there were once people who said, "I don't care if the angels ARE singing. I've got to get up early tomorrow and hem in the north part of the flock. I need my sleep!"?
Or "Nah. I'm not going out to hear Him again. I already heard Him on the mountain and by Lake Gennesaret"?
Or even "Well, He was asking for it. No, I'm not going to go. I've seen people crucified before. Besides ... it's geting dark."?
Yet some of those same folks, caught in a different mood or moment of their lives, might have followed Christ until Nero or Domitian ended their lives in torture.
Keep telling the Story, brother!
Brandon, one of the things about those of us who are blessed to be "up front and turned around" is that we actually get to see the faces instead of the backs of the heads. That's often a wonderful thing as we worship and people worship right back at us. But there are mornings...oh, there are mornings, when I wish I couldn't see the faces. The yawning, distracted, barely-there faces.
Just think though...next time you'll probably see more smiles and bright eyes than today. You sure make ME smile! (Okay, crack up sometimes, but mostly smile.)
Steve
Today in our assembly thousands of miles away from Oteer Creek we sang one song arranged by Clarissa Cox and the Zoe Group and one song the had "Brandon Scott Thomas and Sheryl Rathburn" in its credits. Both moved me...more so because I thought of you guys and your love and zeal for praising God.
It really helps me to know that you have these Sundays. It helps me in my walk to know that the most servant of servant hearts sometimes feels like he is just going through the motions. When I feel like you did this morning then I won't think it is completely crazy or wrong or unchristian.
Yes Please talk about these trials just like you talk about the highs and joys. Thank you so much for being real. Thank you so much for all you to to help all of us better worship the Father!! We all love you guys! :) Steph
Brandon,
There has not been one time that you have led worship that it has not been effective. It takes the 1st few words out of you and ZOE to make my tears flow, coming from places within that I didn't know exist. Never sell yourself short. God is working in you and it is never more evident than when you open your mouth to sing. Be safe on your trip!
wow--thanks you guys. I logged on in Arkansas just to see if anyone had read today. These comments really blessed me. Sheryl and I talked on the way down here and that helped too. I just think there are some days when it's more difficult than others to "lead" and ironically, those are often the times when God's strength is able to be more evident. I think one of my issues is finding the space and time to worship in a way that jives with my worship language. I've got to find that time-- just like I preach to everyone else--to stay filled.
On the other hand--those of you who've been in one place for a while (almost 10 years now for me)--do you ever get the sense that people tune you out cause they've heard it a thousand times before? Sometimes I feel that way. I never think it's the church's fault. I always blame myself.
Then again, I think about Mike Cope or Rubel who've both been where they are for a lengthy period of time. There's something about longevity that builds community in ways that you can't get otherwise.
Anyway--awesome thoughts and great encouraging words, everyone. THANK YOU, BLOG FAMILY!
Now back to games of tickle with my girls and my niece and nephew!
I think it is easy to come to that feeling of people tuning out so to speak, when they really are not.
The church family always comes back and it is not because of what we know, but that Christ is alive and moving in that place to bring us all back through the words and music we hear. Some times the best things are born out of a spell of complacency. A quote I once heard that has always stuck with me...."Too much credit is given to the end result. The true lesson is in the struggle that takes place between the dream and reality. This struggle is a thing called life." We all struggle, we all feel compelled to do better than we do, we all fight against our comfort zones to grow. At the end of the struggle is the lesson that Our need and love for Christ is even more alive than we thought and that time of questioning takes us there. Out of the questions come revival. It is not just the community as a whole that brings us back, it is each individual in that community that brings us back. We are all Human becomings and it is our interaction with each person in the church that strengthens our love.
On the human becoming thing (forgot to explain).... I am a big believer in the fact that we should all consider ourselves as human becomings instead of human BEings. Becomings are constantly struggling to stay out of the comfort zone to learn and absorb as much as possible from those we encounter. I personally never want to just "BE". I want to become a better brother, a better son, a better uncle, and a better Christian. We all have something to learn from others. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
I resonate deeply. This is something worship leaders have to take turns encouraging each other about.
First, be encouraged to know that God is working through you to touch people's lives in ways you may never know.
Second, I keep thinking about the questions Harold Shank brought on Monday. So I adapt them now for worship leaders: "Why do you do what you do? Why do you stand in front of crowds every week without knowing if anything you say or sing connects? Why do you labor so much to faciliate a response that no one else seems interested in? Why do you do what you do?"
Brandon, as a worship leader, you are a captain in the Lord's army. The worshipers are always at the front lines. The evil one would love to get you discouraged and/or side-tracked.
Keep walking. The Lord is at work!
Brandon, I know that sometimes it might feel that others aren't tuned in or participating with their whole beings but you know as well as I do that there are moments when we just can't be engaged...sometimes because our lives are too hard and the emotion will spill over and sometimes too weary to put more effort into another thing but usually it is just that our minds are someplace else. This morning in worship I was very distracted. I had a friend from work's children with me. Two little girls from the Ukraine. Adopted 6 months ago and now 6 and 5 years old. They don't have any idea about God. I had them for the weekend and tucked them into bed last night and asked if I could pray with them before tucking them in. The older one popped up and asked...what is pray? We talked a little about it and then prayed. This morning I took them to church and they wanted an explanation for what was happening at every moment. They don't know what the cross is or what it means. We went to the zoo this afternoon and while driving home I switched to a Zoe CD and the oldest started shouting...I remember this song...we sang it at church. She made us play it over in the car and then wanted to bring it inside and then she listened to it over and over...the same song...A New Annointing. I know that this little girl will know Jesus and you have been a part of the beginning of that journey. Your voice and the other Zoe voices have brought us to the feet of Jesus so many times...thank you for taking us there at moments when we couldn't go there without you.
grace, Julie
I totally agree with the above, but let me restate for clarity's sake:
- Brandon, you are being mightily used by God, even if you don't see the results. Keep on keeping on. I don't know where I'd be without you and the Zoe worship ministry.
- Your sharing on this blog is a great ministry to me and anyone who serves the Lord and sometimes wonders "What's the point?"
I also wanted to add a semi-original idea:
Do we worship leaders spend too much time "monitoring" our work? Do we worry too much about the outcome or the product? Maybe we need to focus our time and energy on drawing near to God and doing all we can to worship Him with all our hearts and spend less time and energy trying to get others to do these things...
Hmm...maybe I'm on the wrong track, but maybe I've found "The Key". Maybe it's not the key for everyone all the time, but this sure seems like a key lesson for me today. And your post helped to reveal it to me. Just another example of how your walk can help others, even if you can't see the results. :-)
Thnaks again for all you do and all you are. Love you Brother!
Brandon, you know my feelings on this. Sunday morning is one of the worst times to experience real community. Staring at the back of someone's head for 90 minutes just doesn't do it.
But it does open doors. It allows for a place where the ones with greyer hairs to counsel those of us just starting to get them (or lose them) as I saw this morning.
It's also a time for us to be ministered to. I know I was when Sheryl was doing her parts of "Salvation Belongs to Our God." And it's not just to hear a beautiful voice singing truth. It's hearing 500 voices singing that truth, whether everyone was "feeling it" or not, even you. And in you ministering to us, I hope to God that it pushes us out the door into a world that desparately need Jesus, that needs us as Christians to be missional without being... jerks about it.
I truly believe that whether you were feeling it today, the Holy Spirit worked in spite of you. It was a great service for me to sit through twice.
Wow-tough questions and I suppose there are easy answers-but what is difficult is putting them into practice.
You have an incredible heart-and that shined through on this blog before I even met you, and of course-it was even more evident every time I spoke to you. I would even consider this blog a ministry-even if you have no idea how or who it is affecting!! God is working in you because you are letting Him use you, and you have surrendered to His will, and live passionately for His name. Through your music, your heart, and your life-you reach more people than you may ever know until we all come home!
And you are so right-the moments that it is difficult to lead are many of the moments that God shines through the most-He makes His strength perfect through our weaknesses. This morning I had absolutely no motivation to get up and go lead my high school Life group because I felt so empty, but I did...and I was blessed-and God moved, when I felt like I had nothing left to give.
Every blessing you pour out Lord, I'll turn back to praise!!
BST, Mark Riggs is a math teacher at ACU. He is having surgery this week to remove a mass that appears to be cancerous. Mark and Debbie are some of our dearest friends from our college days at Texas A&M. What I want you to know is on her blog yesterday she shared how she is being so strengthened by her spiritual community and by "listening to her ZOE tapes."
I wonder if everyone who had stories like I just told you, actually shared them with you, my guess is this blog wouldn't be big enough to hold them.
Now, any questions? We are God's vessels for the ministry of reconciliation because He lives in us. Be strengthened and empowered by that! What an incredible identity God has given us.
By the way, your wife is gorgeous.
I can't wait to cause trouble with yo mama.
Julie W
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