BST's Blog

I have mentioned that the countdown for the ZOE conference is running me like a mad man. I hear the theme music to Jeopardy being played in my head at almost every hour. The theme this year is Desperate. Some of what we'll be talking about is what leads us to desperation. I think I can relate, how about you?

I don't want to give too much away, but Saturday night we'll be talking some about home--and Heaven. We're putting together a video of pictures of those close to us who have gone to be with the Lord. My dad, Megan Cope, Joe Smith, Janet Kidd and others. Last night I was searching for pictures of Dad trying to get ready to hand them over to Randy Brewer today. I found myself talking out loud to him. As I poured over the last 13 years, I kept saying, "It seems so weird that you missed that, Dad". Pictures of my wedding, of my college graduation, pictures of my years of performing at Six Flags, Norwegian Cruise Line, and doing Theater in Dallas...the birth of my children, Nashville...the list goes on and on. It hit me how long he's really been gone. I know this may sound weird, but there's a little part of me that feels like it just got put on pause 13 years ago. It's like I entered this strange alternate universe where life really does go on and you learn to live without someone so dear to you. If you've ever lost a parent, a spouse, a sibling, or a child you know what I mean. Close friends are hard too, but it's different. I've lost close friends, every grandparent, cousins, aunts and uncles and still...nothing has impacted me like the loss of my father. Holidays weren't really the same. Christmas always felt forced. Father's Day was a day I liked to skip and maybe go somewhere on vacation. October 13 (he died late that night) and January 13 (his birthday) are days that are still hard.

Then came my kids. I remember being in the hospital waiting on Maddie to be born. I HATED HOSPITALS. I had certainly spent enough time in them. That birth changed my whole perspective! It was so joyous! Everyone there was exchanging smiles and hugs. Redemption! Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, FATHER'S DAY--all of these were suddenly resurrected. The shell became filled with joyfilled life again. How exciting! Family means so much to me. Without Sheryl, the girls, and my mom I'd be half the man I am today. I remember a good intentioned relative saying something to me at my father's burial... "I hope one day you can become half the man your father was." Honestly, she meant it to be encouraging...although it sure wasn't at the time. The thing is...my dad was the man he was only because he loved Jesus. If that's the key, then maybe that will happen for me too.

As I talked to him last night--something I haven't done in a very long time-- I found myself holding back sobs. I found myself saying the things I have said more times than I can count over the last 13 years. "I miss you. It's not fair. I wish you knew Sheryl. I wish you knew your grandkids. Thank you for loving me so much." It was a good thing to be able to express.

I know this is long, but I wanted to share a couple of pictures I found last night as I searched. One in particular will show you his true character--that he was a CHARACTER! Dad--I know you're up there playing pranks on the angels. Keep it up!